06 March 2015

Two cliches i hate

It's time to put on your big girl panties and grow a pair.

03 February 2015

Pro football, a definition

300-pound men trying to maim each other for the entertainment of gamblers.

04 June 2014

First World problem

You and Mommy take all the fun out of life! So there's no point in living!

My daughter, 11, on being asked to empty the waste baskets

02 May 2014


I'm trying to be nice! You're not letting me!

-- my daughter, age 11

10 February 2014


Sic transit G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria mundi.

02 October 2013

The responsibility lies elsewhere

"It's not my fault! Don't blame me! Blame my memory!"

-- my daughter, age 10

07 January 2013

How cold is it?

"It is balls-ass cold out."

-- my neighbor (S.O.) on a 17-degree January morning

15 November 2012

Location, location, location

"I found one, but I don't know where it is."

-- my daughter, age 9

19 July 2012

Anger Management

"She's being mean! She says I have anger management!"

-- my daughter, age 9

21 May 2012

Poker, a definition

The combination of mathematical certainty with the exploitation of human weakness.

11 April 2012

Good food, dammit

I always liked good food better than indifferent food, and dammit, i wanted someone to cook that food for me. That someone turned out to be me.

24 December 2011


Yesterday I thought it was tomorrow for three days.

--my daughter, age 8

17 December 2011


"If it weren't for memory loss . . . ."

-- Michael Kaye

13 December 2011

Not Grade A, but . . .

That oughtta scare the B-grade-Jesus outta them.

17 November 2011

Eat your seat

My dog is sitting in a comfy chair, but she's getting bored. Oh, wait, she's trying to chew the stuffing and springs out of the seat! Doesn't she realize she'll ruin the seat for herself and anyone who would want to sit there in the future?


Write your own political punch line here.

22 April 2011

Empathizing with ants

"I bet fat people taste good when they're dead and they're eaten by ants."

-- Jake, age 8

11 March 2011

Passé play

"Who wants to play dress-up anyway? That's so last year."

-- An 8-year old down the hall

16 December 2010

Robin, meet Bucky

"You're the sidekick for me, you know. I'm the leader of you. You're good luck for me."

-- overheard on the playground

18 November 2010

Getting up the wall

"This is really driving me on my nerves!"

-- My daughter, age 7

12 November 2010

Goonie Goo Goo

The first time i saw Eddie Murphy Delirious was on Betamax at John Hockenberry's house. I laughed so hard i nearly fell off the futon. I watched it again later, and still thought it was pretty funny, although i started to have doubts about the attitudes displayed towards gays, women, and pretty much everybody else (Bigfoot still seemed like fair game).

A third viewing had me convinced that, although there was some fine, funny material encased within the crude, obscenity-laced performance, as a whole it was an outrage, too full of gratuitous profanity and casual bigotry even for hardened criminals.

A fourth viewing, many months later, had me laughing so hard i nearly fell on the floor. Again. (While recognizing that it was just awful of him to say those things, and that my laughing made me complicit in the awfulness and....)

Oh. He got me.

recently watched it for the first time in 26 years, and i wondered what my reaction was going to be this time. It was pretty much the falling-off-the-futon-laughing thing, except the futon is now a rocking chair. Eddie still says the F word 230 times (per IMDB and Wikipedia), and it's still offensive. And it's still funny.

23 October 2010

Please give generously

What with Juan Williams getting a new $2 million dollar contract from Fox News, he should be able to make a nice contribution to his local NPR station.

18 October 2010

I'll just stand over here, if you don't mind

There's more than one way to skin a cat, but I'd rather not be the cat.

28 August 2010

Workplace description

A friend described her place of work as "perfectionism meets suppressed estrogen rage".

27 August 2010

Getting older

As Jim got older, he switched from Johnny Walker to Johnny Wheelchair.

Books I haven't gotten around to writing

Epistemology For Dummies

The Entomologist's Cookbook

Hagiography For Fun And Profit

Chicken Soup For The Atheist's Soul

26 August 2010

Headlines you don't see

Mother Of 3 Arraigned In Slaying Of Drifter

12 July 2010

Classical music

I'm working on a piece called "Trio Sonata for Bagpipes, Banjo and Accordion".

12 June 2010

Proposal for a new holiday

National Sleep-It-Off-At-Work Day

26 January 2010

From the mouths of babes

"Don't tell me what to do! That's Mommy's job!"

-- my daughter

01 December 2009

New holiday song

I'm working on a new holiday song called, "I'll Be Drunk For Christmas".

30 August 2009

What i learned from the health care debate

It's easier to be against everything than for something.

02 January 2009

Overheard on the playground

"It's my turn to be the zombie."

Overstating the case

Adult: "Pick up your room."
Child: "You're treating me like a slave, but I'm not a slave! I'm free!"

14 November 2008

Dilemma, horns of

When life hands you a dilemma, make a dilemma-nade.

14 October 2008

Overheard at work

"Well, at least we got to talk this over mano a mano."

13 October 2008

Checklist for a rainy day

Check the news.
Play the blues.
Pour the ooze
Outta yo shoes, Jack.

05 September 2008

Work richer, not smarter

Americans may admire people who are richer than they are, but they sure as hell resent people who are smarter than they are.

29 August 2008

Just Asking

How many beers does it take to paint a house?

02 May 2008

Sitcom idea

I'm working on the pilot of a sitcom about a single father in Indianapolis.

It's called Hoosier Daddy.

21 February 2008

A personal remark

He was filled with the sour milk of human kindness.

20 February 2008


Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn.
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where is the boy that looks after the sheep?
Up in the hayloft with Little Bo Peep.

-- from Slightly Salacious Mother Goose

15 February 2008

NIU shooting

I think one of the things that makes me saddest is that this was not unthinkable. The smooth way the university responded is a result of their having prepared for and practiced for just such an event.

13 January 2008


"All generalities are stupid."

--Michael B. Kaye

20 December 2007

Learning grammar

"What do we don't have?"

-- my daughter, age 4

20 January 2007

A picture of money

I saw a man wearing a t-shirt with an oversized drawing of a roll of hundred dollar bills.

He had exchanged real money for a picture of money.

02 January 2007

Bush on sacrifice

"I’m not going to make predictions about what 2007 will look like in Iraq except that it’s going to require difficult choices and additional sacrifices because the enemy is merciless and violent."
--President Bush

By "additional sacrifices" I take it he means "further tax cuts".

18 December 2006

Optimism or pessimism?

Some people say the glass is half-full, some say it's half-empty.

A cynic says, You call that a glass?

An engineer says the glass is twice as big is it needs to be.

13 December 2006

New musical style

I'm developing a new musical style:
Death Calypso.

12 December 2006

Minimalist blog

Someone said this is a minimalist blog.


Ce que vous croyez

It's always easier to believe a simple lie than a complicated truth.

09 December 2006

Administration, First Law Of

If you pay someone enough money, he will think what he is doing is important, all empirical evidence aside.

06 December 2006

Scorched-earth Christmas

I think the Iraqis are having a scorched-earth Christmas.

Of course, they're not the first. Nor will they be the last.

23 November 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

To all of my zero-and-counting readers, Happy Thanksgiving.

It's the true American Holiday.

06 November 2006

Bush on voting

"I don't believe it's over until everybody votes."
--President Bush

By "everybody" I take it he means "the Supreme Court".

28 October 2006

Learning grammar

"I was gonna give it to you back, but I didn't. Next time i will gonna give it to you back."

-- my daughter, age 3

21 October 2006


Jack Sprat could eat no fat
He wife could eat no lean
And so between the two of them
They licked the splattered spleen.

-- From Grand Guignol Nursery Rhymes

14 October 2006

Chicago: a definition

"Chicago is not the third-largest city in America, Chicago is the largest Midwestern city in the world."

-- John Probes

17 September 2006

A-Ha tribute band

I'm thinking of starting an A-Ha tribute band called Uh-Huh.

26 May 2006


My name is Rubble
I want no trouble,
So bring me my dinner
And make it a double.

-- From The Ballad Of Barney Rubble

16 April 2006


"Negative space": a hole dug by someone who went to art school.

14 March 2006

Bumper sticker

Honk If You Hate Honking

28 February 2006

Flango itself

If you think you're going to find out anything about Flango here, you may have a long wait ahead.

26 February 2006

"The Aerialist" by Richard Schmitt

Currently reading -- and being bowled over by -- "The Aerialist" by Richard Schmitt. Although it's not likely to be tagged as The Great American Novel, i keep encountering pages and pages of transcendent writing, stuff that completely floats me away from my exurban living room and balances me on top of a flexible wire, five-eighths of an inch thick, or elbows me into the middle of a smoky pie car on a circus train.

Definitely worth a read.

19 February 2006

Rockefeller stoat bucket

I just like the sound of it.

18 February 2006

Overheard on the playground

Kid A: You wanna play cops and robbers?
Kid B: Ok. You pretend you're at the doughnut station, getting doughnuts.


19 January 2006

03 January 2006

Garrison Keillor: a thought

The singing of Garrison Keillor can perhaps best be described as well-intentioned.

Names for rock bands

Meat Patrol