Gambling: a definition (revised)

The combination of mathematical certainty with human weakness.

Musical talent

 My father could not play a musical instrument; only the drums. Ba-dump.

Explaining baseball

 Baseball is the business where, if the pitchers can't hit the strike zone, and the batters can't hit the ball, you fire the manager.

Why the new house?

Overheard (I have no idea what was meant by this):

"We didn't throw mashed potatoes at her till we moved to the new house."

Everybody wants to do that....

Overheard from two moms talking:

"He wants to get his PhD in Neuroscience...but everybody wants to do that now."

Two cliches i hate

It's time to put on your big girl panties and grow a pair.

Pro football, a definition

300-pound men trying to maim each other for the entertainment of gamblers.

You remember?

 You remember everything like it was yesterday. Except for yesterday.

-- My daughter, age 11

(N.B. She was channeling Groucho Marx, a new discovery of hers.)

First World problem

You and Mommy take all the fun out of life! So there's no point in living!

My daughter, 11, on being asked to empty the waste baskets

Trying

I'm trying to be nice! You're not letting me!

-- my daughter, age 11

Gloria

Sic transit G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria mundi.

The responsibility lies elsewhere

"It's not my fault! Don't blame me! Blame my memory!"

-- my daughter, age 10

How cold is it?

"It is balls-ass cold out."

-- my neighbor (S.O.) on a 17-degree January morning

Location, location, location

"I found one, but I don't know where it is."

-- my daughter, age 9

Anger Management

"She's being mean! She says I have anger management!"

-- my daughter, age 9

Poker, a definition

The combination of mathematical certainty with the exploitation of human weakness.

Good food, dammit

I always liked good food better than indifferent food, and dammit, i wanted someone to cook that food for me. That someone turned out to be me.

Timing

Yesterday I thought it was tomorrow for three days.

--my daughter, age 8

If

"If it weren't for memory loss . . . ."

-- Michael Kaye

Not Grade A, but . . .

That oughtta scare the B-grade-Jesus outta them.

Eat your seat

My dog is sitting in a comfy chair, but she's getting bored. Oh, wait, she's trying to chew the stuffing and springs out of the seat! Doesn't she realize she'll ruin the seat for herself and anyone who would want to sit there in the future?

Nope.

Write your own political punch line here.

Empathizing with ants

"I bet fat people taste good when they're dead and they're eaten by ants."

-- Jake, age 8

Passé play

"Who wants to play dress-up anyway? That's so last year."

-- An 8-year old down the hall

Robin, meet Bucky

"You're the sidekick for me, you know. I'm the leader of you. You're good luck for me."

-- overheard on the playground

Getting up the wall

"This is really driving me on my nerves!"

-- My daughter, age 7

Goonie Goo Goo

The first time i saw Eddie Murphy Delirious was on Betamax at John Hockenberry's house. I laughed so hard i nearly fell off the futon. I watched it again later, and still thought it was pretty funny, although i started to have doubts about the attitudes displayed towards gays, women, and pretty much everybody else (Bigfoot still seemed like fair game).

A third viewing had me convinced that, although there was some fine, funny material encased within the crude, obscenity-laced performance, as a whole it was an outrage, too full of gratuitous profanity and casual bigotry even for hardened criminals.

A fourth viewing, many months later, had me laughing so hard i nearly fell on the floor. Again. (While recognizing that it was just awful of him to say those things, and that my laughing made me complicit in the awfulness and....)

Oh. He got me.

I recently watched it for the first time in 26 years, and i wondered what my reaction was going to be this time. It was pretty much the falling-off-the-futon-laughing thing, except the futon is now a rocking chair. Eddie still says the F word 230 times (per IMDB and Wikipedia), and it's still offensive. And it's still funny.

Please give generously

What with Juan Williams getting a new $2 million dollar contract from Fox News, he should be able to make a nice contribution to his local NPR station.

I'll just stand over here, if you don't mind

There's more than one way to skin a cat, but I'd rather not be the cat.

Workplace description

A friend described her place of work as "perfectionism meets suppressed estrogen rage".

Getting older

As Jim got older, he switched from Johnny Walker to Johnny Wheelchair.

Books I haven't gotten around to writing

Epistemology For Dummies

The Entomologist's Cookbook

Hagiography For Fun And Profit

Chicken Soup For The Atheist's Soul

Headlines you don't see

Mother Of 3 Arraigned In Slaying Of Drifter

Classical music

I'm working on a piece called "Trio Sonata for Bagpipes, Banjo and Accordion".

Proposal for a new holiday

National Sleep-It-Off-At-Work Day

From the mouths of babes

"Don't tell me what to do! That's Mommy's job!"

-- my daughter

New holiday song

I'm working on a new holiday song called, "I'll Be Drunk For Christmas".

What i learned from the health care debate

It's easier to be against everything than for something.

Overheard on the playground

"It's my turn to be the zombie."

Overstating the case

Adult: "Pick up your room."
Child: "You're treating me like a slave, but I'm not a slave! I'm free!"

Dilemma, horns of

When life hands you a dilemma, make a dilemma-nade.

Overheard at work

"Well, at least we got to talk this over mano a mano."

Checklist for a rainy day

Check the news.
Play the blues.
Pour the ooze
Outta yo shoes, Jack.

Work richer, not smarter

Americans may admire people who are richer than they are, but they sure as hell resent people who are smarter than they are.

Just Asking

How many beers does it take to paint a house?

Sitcom idea

I'm working on the pilot of a sitcom about a single father in Indianapolis.

It's called Hoosier Daddy.

A personal remark

He was filled with the sour milk of human kindness.

Excerpt:

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn.
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where is the boy that looks after the sheep?
Up in the hayloft with Little Bo Peep.

-- from Slightly Salacious Mother Goose

NIU shooting

I think one of the things that makes me saddest is that this was not unthinkable. The smooth way the university responded is a result of their having prepared for and practiced for just such an event.

Generalities

"All generalities are stupid."

--Michael B. Kaye
4.august.1978

Learning grammar

"What do we don't have?"

-- my daughter, age 4

A picture of money

I saw a man wearing a t-shirt with an oversized drawing of a roll of hundred dollar bills.

He had exchanged real money for a picture of money.

Bush on sacrifice

"I’m not going to make predictions about what 2007 will look like in Iraq except that it’s going to require difficult choices and additional sacrifices because the enemy is merciless and violent."
--President Bush
21.december.2006

By "additional sacrifices" I take it he means "further tax cuts".

Optimism or pessimism?

Some people say the glass is half-full, some say it's half-empty.

A cynic says, You call that a glass?

An engineer says the glass is twice as big is it needs to be.

New musical style

I'm developing a new musical style:
Death Calypso.

Minimalist blog

Someone said this is a minimalist blog.

Yeah.

Ce que vous croyez

It's always easier to believe a simple lie than a complicated truth.

Administration, First Law Of

If you pay someone enough money, he will think what he is doing is important, all empirical evidence aside.

Scorched-earth Christmas

I think the Iraqis are having a scorched-earth Christmas.

Of course, they're not the first. Nor will they be the last.

Happy Thanksgiving

To all of my zero-and-counting readers, Happy Thanksgiving.

It's the true American Holiday.

Bush on voting

"I don't believe it's over until everybody votes."
--President Bush
1.november.2006

By "everybody" I take it he means "the Supreme Court".

Learning grammar

"I was gonna give it to you back, but I didn't. Next time i will gonna give it to you back."

-- my daughter, age 3

Excerpt:

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
He wife could eat no lean
And so between the two of them
They licked the splattered spleen.

-- From Grand Guignol Nursery Rhymes

Chicago: a definition

"Chicago is not the third-largest city in America, Chicago is the largest Midwestern city in the world."

-- John Probes

A-Ha tribute band

I'm thinking of starting an A-Ha tribute band called Uh-Huh.

Excerpt:

My name is Rubble
I want no trouble,
So bring me my dinner
And make it a double.

-- From The Ballad Of Barney Rubble

"Daddy, can I wake up?"

-- my daughter

Definition

"Negative space": a hole dug by someone who went to art school.

Later, when I asked her what she was making (in a pot from a toy tea set), she said, "Soup."

What kind of soup? She looked at the ceiling, pondered, and said "Chocolate chip soup."

-- my daughter

Bumper sticker

Honk If You Hate Honking

Flango itself

If you think you're going to find out anything about Flango here, you may have a long wait ahead.

"The Aerialist" by Richard Schmitt

Currently reading -- and being bowled over by -- "The Aerialist" by Richard Schmitt. Although it's not likely to be tagged as The Great American Novel, i keep encountering pages and pages of transcendent writing, stuff that completely floats me away from my exurban living room and balances me on top of a flexible wire, five-eighths of an inch thick, or elbows me into the middle of a smoky pie car on a circus train.

Definitely worth a read.

Rockefeller stoat bucket

I just like the sound of it.

Overheard on the playground

Kid A: You wanna play cops and robbers?
Kid B: Ok. You pretend you're at the doughnut station, getting doughnuts.

--10.oct.05

Dyslexic rapper:

Dr. Red

Garrison Keillor: a thought

The singing of Garrison Keillor can perhaps best be described as well-intentioned.

Names for rock bands

Bloodsmith
Meat Patrol