Gambling: a definition (revised)

The combination of mathematical certainty with human weakness.

Musical talent

 My father could not play a musical instrument; only the drums. Ba-dump.

Explaining baseball

 Baseball is the business where, if the pitchers can't hit the strike zone, and the batters can't hit the ball, you fire the manager.

Why the new house?

Overheard (I have no idea what was meant by this):

"We didn't throw mashed potatoes at her till we moved to the new house."

Everybody wants to do that....

Overheard from two moms talking:

"He wants to get his PhD in Neuroscience...but everybody wants to do that now."

Two cliches i hate

It's time to put on your big girl panties and grow a pair.

Pro football, a definition

300-pound men trying to maim each other for the entertainment of gamblers.

You remember?

 You remember everything like it was yesterday. Except for yesterday.

-- My daughter, age 11

(N.B. She was channeling Groucho Marx, a new discovery of hers.)

First World problem

You and Mommy take all the fun out of life! So there's no point in living!

My daughter, 11, on being asked to empty the waste baskets

Trying

I'm trying to be nice! You're not letting me!

-- my daughter, age 11

Gloria

Sic transit G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria mundi.

The responsibility lies elsewhere

"It's not my fault! Don't blame me! Blame my memory!"

-- my daughter, age 10

How cold is it?

"It is balls-ass cold out."

-- my neighbor (S.O.) on a 17-degree January morning

Location, location, location

"I found one, but I don't know where it is."

-- my daughter, age 9

Anger Management

"She's being mean! She says I have anger management!"

-- my daughter, age 9

Poker, a definition

The combination of mathematical certainty with the exploitation of human weakness.

Good food, dammit

I always liked good food better than indifferent food, and dammit, i wanted someone to cook that food for me. That someone turned out to be me.

Timing

Yesterday I thought it was tomorrow for three days.

--my daughter, age 8

If

"If it weren't for memory loss . . . ."

-- Michael Kaye

Not Grade A, but . . .

That oughtta scare the B-grade-Jesus outta them.